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8/24/05 04:01 pm - Last post in this journal

Okay. I set up another journal, and made my first post. I won't be posting in this journal anymore. If you still want to read my posts, go friend ashenrain8 and I will friend you back.

8/24/05 12:32 pm

Feeling a lot better today. I feel like I am on the verge of some breakthrough, a metamorphosis, and I think last night was like the death throes of whatever-it-is that has held me back from it, tried to keep me from becoming whatever-it-is I'm meant to be. I was just gripped by fear and loneliness. I called Cora. She was with someone, but came to me anyway. I guess she sensed the seriousness of what I was feeling. I felt bad for who-she-was-with, but she assured me it was okay. We both know that there are times when we will need each other. We help each other in certain ways that no-one else can. She came and held me. She did something... I was drowsy and not too conscious of what she was up to, but she adjusted something, it seems, and I fell into a peaceful slumber, the best I have slept in a very long time.

Today I think I will delete this journal. I feel like I have put so much out there, and I want to take it back. Perhaps I will wait and set up another journal first. We'll see.

8/24/05 12:41 am - Sad, but kind of in a good way.

Don't know what to do with my car. It's parked downtown. I guess I'll have them take it for scrap. It's got a bunch of Star's shit in the trunk. Wish I knew where she was. I hate it when she just disappears like this and doesn't tell me where she is. I need to know that Lute's safe.

I want to apply at Avellino's and Cellophane Square tomorrow, but I don't even know what to put on a resume. I've had so many different jobs in the last three years, some for only a few weeks at a time. I seriously don't remember anything before I started at Bakerview Nursery last April.

Made a good start on the attic. Throwing most stuff away. Feels good to do. I found an uncashed paycheck up there, from April. It says it expires after 90 days, so I'll have to take it down to Manpower and see if they'll issue me another one. That's so rad.

I feel alone right now. I've been all gung ho about leaving behind the constant need for reassurance that seems to be a part of my need for relationships, but damn. I'm just sore and want to be held. What am I going to do with myself?

8/23/05 11:08 pm

I have let my life be dictated by circumstance, for far too long. It's time for me to finally take control and make it what I want it to be. I wantit to be simple, free, loving, truthful, warm and healthy. I can't find these things in bars, or in strangers' beds. I find them in being who I was meant to be. In friendship, in making music, in being a father, in loving the people who surround me.

It's time for some huge changes. I have a lot I want to leave behind me. This journal is one such thing. I want to leave it behind. I may start another journal, because I enjoy this, I enjoy reading about your lives, and writing about mine, and reading what you have to say about what I write. But this journal is filled with negativity and self-deprecation. What I need right now is a little less apathy, and a little more passion.

8/23/05 06:36 pm

It's time for me to slip out of a layer. Slough off this sodden skin. I want to feel like a butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis, or the Phoenix from ashes. I want to shed and burn away all that which is unhealthy and unnecessary. I want to be washed clean.

I am going to leave behind much of that which has weighed me down, and take into my new life with me only that which is precious and meaningful.

I will do this by simplifying. I don't want to be a hedonist right now. I want to do more than gratify my immediate physical desires. I want to stop killing my body and my heart. I will strip my life down to it's essentials, the bare bones. Music, friendship, food and warmth, honest work. The company of my son and others I love. The cultivation of meaningful human interaction, of community, and of those aspects of me that bring joy and peace to myself, and to those around me.

It's time for a change, a real change. It's time to stop running away from who I am and hiding from what I am meant to become. I will build a world in which I can happily live, and I will do it simply by doing what I love.

8/23/05 03:33 pm

Life is good. It's crunch time. I am giving myself a week to record a demo, clean out my attic and find a job.

Conversations with my new friend A has been inspiring for me. She is a good person to know. I consider myself fortunate to be her friend, right now especially.

Driving to get applications for work today, though, my car broke down. Just as I was all pumped and ready to go. I had to leave it downtown. That kind of took the wind out of my sails. I don't know how I'm going to afford a car (this one isn't worth fixing) and have enough for deposit and first month's rent.

But I am going to make this all work.

8/22/05 08:15 pm - Backstory

I made this autobiography/list/thing a week or so ago, and then marked it private. It kind of came at a bad time, and revealed a little too much, even for me. I decided to repost it (edited a little) because I liked making it, it was sort of cathartic for me. I would strongly encourage people to do something similar for their lives, even if you never share it.


People I Have Been (consciously or not), as of 08/17/05
(in roughly chronological order)

Blue Baby
Quiet Little Christian boy (surprised?)
First of five children born to a young Baptist Pastor and his wife (aka "Son of a Preacher Man")
Much-Traveled Homeschooler  (spent time in all 48 Continental States before I was six)
Emigrant

(England, age 6)

Missionary Kid
Oldest Sibling
English Schoolboy
Bookworm
Escapist
Daydreamer
Scapegoat
Sexual Initiate (on my 14th birthday, by an 18 year old Romanian girl who used to babysit my younger siblings. Not boasting, I wish I had been a little older. I didn't do it again for almost two years)
Sullen Loner

(College! Age 16)

Performing Arts Student
Pothead
Drama Queen
Classically-Trained Actor/Theatre Fag
Aspiring Songwriter
Teenage Drunk

(Back in America, age 17)

Stoned Fast Food Clerk
Lonely Amateur Philosopher
Dishwasher/Prep Cook

(Emancipation! age 18)
Escapee (Kesey/Kerouac-worshipping runaway)
Tie-dyed Hitchhiker
Long-haired Rainbow Boy (Feels like a lifetime ago... I'll scan pictures sometime, hahaha...)
Forest Dweller
Dreamer
Would-be Expatriate (Nelson, BC. I lasted about two weeks)

(Bellingham!)
Window-Cleaner
Coffeehouse Denizen
Folksinger
Naive, Lovestruck Youth
Sexual Explorer
Fiancee/Husband (before my 19th birthday)
Freak Manor Attendee
Exhibitionist (several people here on LJ could tell you a story about a certain night... *gasp* you don't still have those PICTURES, do you Diana???)
Young Father
Welfare Cheat
Recording Artist
Nursery/Garden Center Employee (aka Lawn Consultant, Herbicide Salesman, General Dogsbody)
Embattled Tenant
Menages-a-trois participant
Evictee (aka Latest Victim of Snake-in-the-Grass Land-Baron Nazi Fuck)
Adult Model
Anarchist
Jealous Husband (notice anything contradictory in this list at all?)
Temp Worker (aka Fool-for-Hire, but I only did it for my family)
Cuckold
Divorcee
Heartbroken, Near-Suicidal Wreck (though only when I thought no-one was looking)
Illegal Occupant/Attic-Dweller (cheap rent!)
Polyamorist (attempted)
Elusive Roommate
Once-a-week drinker
Occasional Pot Smoker
Cancer Inhaler
Boyfriend/Lover (a wonderful relationship, bliss for three months, ended painfully and prematurely)
Gigging Musician (occasionally)
Platonic Cuddle-Friend
Fetish Night Participant
Voluntary Celibate (attempted, and failed. Though failed spectacularly, I might add...)



*****

Hmm. I did all this to try and cheer myself up and put my recent struggles into perspective, but this story kind of ends badly, at the moment. So what about the future?

Employee of a sound, locally-owned business
Good roommate
Better father
Best friend
Successful(ish) Musician/Writer/Artist/Model/Actor/Filmmaker/Photographer/WhatHaveYou...

I would like to be able to add some of these things to the list soon...

8/22/05 06:52 pm

The last few days have been that difficult mix of really really right and horribly horribly wrong that is almost the norm for me lately.

I spent a lot of time on Sunday doing myself a natal chart and interpreting it, with the use of a big book of Chelsea's (which counsels Leos and Virgos to look elsewhere for love, incidentally). It was so much fun, and reading up on the effects of all the different planets and signs and houses makes astrology so much more believable than when all you know is your sun sign. It can pretty uncanny, I remember several times just sitting there shaking my head at how accurate certain aspects of things were. I used to believe that astrology's only power lay in how vague and generalistic it was, and that any of us could read any list of abstract character traits and find something of ourselves in it, but when I get into the really detailed stuff, it just blows my mind sometimes how specific it is, and how dead-on. Weird.

Sunday also included a swimming trip with Malia, Cora, Danny, Brent and Megan. Fun, as always. Bracingly cold, as we went a little later in the day than ideal.

After that I hung about at Cari's house with Lute for a while. Unfortunately, Yksi was hanging around too. I haven't really written about this because I don't know what to say about it, but here goes:- a beautiful (and slightly insane) Finnish ingenue is squatting in my attic right now. She was living with Star last week, in Alena's house, and I went over there one night and found her fainting and ill and took care of her and gave her a place to stay till she was better, and she sort of clung to me. She kind of acts like she expects everyone else to take care of her all the time. She moved in to the attic at 820 on Tuesday or Wednesday, after I sent her away to find herself somewhere to stay. I've steadfastly avoided being there since then, except to rush in and grab clothes or whatever. It's really annoying. She's homeless and afraid and I don't know how to get rid of her. I feel a little bad, putting it like that (get rid of her) but there's nothing I can do for her. I have nothing to offer. If ever I have more money than I know what to do with, I will be quite happy to put up random artists and such, but that's not now... Last night she pulled this whole stupid thing right before Fetish Night, she got in my car and wouldn't get out. It's immensely frustrating, she is 29 and sort of stuck as a child or something. She came over here again today, and wouldn't leave for the longest time. Grr.

Anyway, after I finally got her out of my car I picked up velveteen and drove him home so I could borrow some of his clotheses. Thanks Richard, you rock. I don't know though, next time I will find pants that don't have to be scraped off...

Fetish Night was kind of off. I figured it would be nucking futs, with the full moon just past and all... I don't know. Except for the lovely folks I already know, people there are unfriendly towards me. I feel like an outsider (but then, when do I not???). Maybe it's my hat, hahaha. Thankfully, there were enough people there I know (Cora, Addelle, Malia, Lauritz, Jessy, Aubrey, Richard) that I didn't feel so left out as to just give up and take off.

Right towards the end of the night I got flogged. I have been curious about it for a while, and this was my first time. I got Jim Duvall to do it, because he so obviously knows what he is doing, as opposed to the others there. He explained to me beforehand about the two different sensations that tend to be involved, the 'thud', the deep, punchy kind of impact, and the 'sting', the sharper, lashy kind. When it came to it, he started off light and checked in with me to see about the balance between the two kinds of pain. The 'thud' definitely works better with me. I wanted it lower on my back than he was giving it to me, but he explained that with that deeper impact, it's dangerous for the kidneys below a certain point. Nevertheless, it was brutal.

I would really like to be able to explain what it is about this kind of thing that appeals to me. I know it weirds a lot of people out, but I no-one will say that for fear of being seen as less than open-minded, so there's no dialogue, which is something that would definitely help me formulate answers. I wish someone would say something about it, say that I shouldn't be doing it or ask why I am, I feel like it would give me a better chance to explain why and how it affects me.

I do think I got a lot more out of being tied up last time than I did from being flogged, though it does have it's own peculiar high. Endorphins, I suppose. The restriction of movement, the slight crushing sensation and the gravity that came with being suspended are more instantly recognizable as being pleasurable to me.

The marks are beautiful though. I need a camera.

8/21/05 01:20 pm - Cora and I

Yesterday I was pleasantly surprised by a visit from Cora. We hung out and chatted for a while, and later went swimming, just the two of us. It was wonderful, and for me at least, very healing. She has quite apparently changed her mind about us being able to share certain parts of our lives with each other, and this makes me happy. We even cuddled a little on the couch.

I think we each need to be very careful with our respective feelings, but I think it can work for us to have some sort of relationship still, albeit a more distant one than previously. We agree that there are aspects of each other that we almost sometimes feel like we could never find anywhere else, and also aspects that we want nothing to do with, hahaha...

I feel good about it. I love her very much; our breakup certainly did not reflect any lessening of those feelings, in either of us. And now there has been sufficient time/space that I think we can seperate the unhealthy from the healthy parts of a relationship a little better.

8/20/05 10:37 am

There is a postcard about me on PostSecret. It hurts mostly because it's true.

I think it seemed like I had spent years fighting already, and didn't have any more in me. I've always given up on things too easily, even things that mean the whole world to me.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
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